Here at Pro Bono Radio, we know a thing or two about warnings! Did you know, for instance, that we are not real lawyers, and we do not dispense legal advice on this show? Of course you did because we can’t bloody shut up from warning you about it. 

But there are clearly some other instances in which the public is not adequately warned about the nature or quality of the goods they buy or dangers in their other surroundings. Consider the following examples, then check out this week’s show!

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This week on Pro Bono Radio, get the facts about Evil Twins! Can you arrest a conjoined twin? Can you imprison an evil twin along with the good? Is the good conjoined twin considered an accomplice? Double your pleasure with this great episode!

Could there possibly be not one, but THREE capers that are more Canadian than the ones topping the delicious B.C. smoked Sockeye Salmon you see below? We respectfully submit, yes. 

We mean capers as in crimes, of course. And we are not of course speaking of very heinous crimes involving either large numbers of charges or dollars swindled or people hurt, otherwise this would be a show about Alan Eagleson and Conrad Black and Clifford Olson, and while possibly very informative, it would also not contain many jokes and possibly a good deal of open weeping.

So instead, Lisa, Paul and Matt bring you a show about crimes that strike at the heart of Canadian culture and identity, though again, in an amusing as opposed to overwhelming tragic manner. Unlike, say, Residential Schools. 

All together now!

2, 4, 6, 8! Canadian crimes are really great! Great meaning big or immense! we use it in the pejorative sense!

In this week’s episode, we take you back to a more innocent time, when the scariest thing in the world was not a little thing called “billable hours”, but terrifying images in movies and on television, presented to you by your parents (The Disney Corporation) and your secondary caretakers (Mom and Dad) who were supposedly in charge of protecting you from scary things. Let’s take a stroll down memory lane into the images that continue to give you nightmares, trust issues and problems with intimacy!

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Do you have the wrong information about your legal freedoms? You’ve come to the right place! Connor, Brianna and Austin can help you right your misconceptions, and turn you right into a enfranchised citizen, in this week’s righteous episode. Pretty great, right? I’m almost too excited to do this write-up right. 

But before we go on, here are some rights you have and the wrong times and places to use them.

The Right to An Attorney:

All Canadians have the right to legal representation

The wrong time to use it: A SLEEPOVER

Kaylee: Okay, Jennifer: Truth or Dare!

Jennifer: Uhhh… Truth!

Kaylee: DO YOU REALLY HAVE A CRUSH ON RYAN?

Friends: AAAAA!

Jennifer: Umm….

Sheldon K. Auchinleck-Cromartie, LLB, QC: My client doesn’t have to answer that. 

The Right of Peaceful Assembly:

You have the right to assemble peacefully for most purposes

The wrong time to use it: DETHKLOK CONCERT 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58Wii1Ps7lU

Nathan Explosion: BLIND MEN ESCAPE FROM THE SKY, CONDEMNED THE CLOCK COUNTS DOWN!

Guitars: WHHHHOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMNNNNNR

Your Friend: DETHKLOK! This is so $%&@ING METAL!

You: Hey! Whoa! Everybody stop! That’s enough noise! I have the right to demand that this assembly be more peaceful!

Nathan Explosion: Oh, I um… sorry, I didn’t realize… uh… okay, maybe, er…

The Right to pursue the gaining of a livelihood in any province

The Wrong time to use it: WHEN YOUR CURRENT JOB WILL CLEARLY NOT EXIST IN ANOTHER PROVINCE

Andy: That does it! I’m working on this lobster boat no longer! I’m moving to Saskatchewan to catch lobster there, I am. And you can go do one, mean old Mr. Lobster Boat Captain!

Mean old Mr. Lobster Boat Captain: Wait, Andy! There’s no lobster in Sask-

Andy: Oh shove it already! I bet you aren’t even that smart, you know. When you think about it. 

[Later]

Andy: Hello Mr. Provincial Minister Man! I’d like my lobster fishing job, as is my right, please!

The Honourable Don Morgan, QC, Minister of Labour Relations and Workplace Safety and Minister Responsible for Saskatchewan Workers’ Compensation Board: How did you get into my office? AAAHH! YOU DIDN’T WIPE OFF YOUR RUBBER BOOTS! GET OFF MY CARPET!

After successfully completing law school, your tailed, feathered and tentacled animal friends at Pro Bono Radio are celebrating passing our barn examinations! [Ed: not a typographical error. Incredibly!] But for many of you out there, you are probably just beginning to wonder what type of legal animal you would like to be!

If you’ve already made up your mind, perhaps, you would like to skip right ahead to this week’s episode, starring Jordan, Dan, and Rob! 

But if not, let Pro Bono Radio help you run through some of the more popular career choices, with this overly-long listicle:

LEGAL EAGLE

You have a strong sense of right and wrong. You love your country and hate unruliness and disorder. You frequently put your friends off with your serious and domineering personality, and your relentless nature in even the most casual arguments. You profile as a district attorney and later in your career, the judge that other lawyers openly trade favours to avoid in court. 

SECRETARIAT

You are unbelievably fast out of the gate, easily dominating the field. At political manouevering, that is! That’s how you wind up at the office of secretariat, a high ranking legal office, that goes not just to great policy writers, but great writers of the right policy to put you in the fast lane for promotion through the civil service. A great secretariat, like a horse put out to stud, leaves its mark on the field indelibly. Years after your glory days, lawyers are still contending with your babies: the regulations and amendments to legislation the issued forth from your pen!

AVOCET

Genus Recurvirostra, of the stilt family, are given this legally-derived name for their upturned bills, which perpetually register their sneering contempt for courtroom procedure. Why the long legs, you ask? Avocets are scatterbrained, and often must run or fly (literally) down to the courthouse to file last minute motions. In those cases, the high clearance helps keep their bums from being soaked, because Avocets are frequently in hot water, or plain out of their depth!

(NB: If you are considering a rural practice, you might be a Red-Necked Avocet. If you are destined for a career as an ambulance chaser, you may be a P.I.’ed Avocet.

HARVEY BIRDMAN

Weird clients, that’s your thing. Much of the time, your legal battles start in your own office, and the courtroom is merely a phase that pits the lunatic paying your bills in a white knuckle legal battle against the ghosts inside his own skull. Many of these people are consumed by events that transpired years ago, or else they have already unraveled the fabric of their own lives, and are now desperate for someone to help them hold all the threads in their trembling hands!

You should definitely consider a career in estate litigation.

LAWYER DOG

You are a meme. You spend so much time on Reddit during your property lecture, you have become part of the furniture. You keep good company with people and things that bombard ordinary citizens with flack and meaningless noise.

You have a great career in store sending cease and desist letters on behalf of a major media corporation or PR firm. 

We know, we know. The Beer Store will always be a special place for you. It was the first place you used the fake ID that said you were 26 and your name was “Filberto Modriguez”. It’s special. Who would want to take it away? Where would we return our empties for laundry machine change? But let me tell you some things. Some things that could be the start of grievous and unending legal trouble (for us). 

The Beer Store is not a very nice place. The Beer Store is not what you think it is at all. The Beer Store wants you to look very carefully at the list of “Top Ten Beers”, pick one and get out. Don’t look at that panel on the side, with all the weird names and colourful shapes on it. That’s not for you. You don’t need that. You wanted some beer, right? Well, here’s some… let’s see… Labatt Extra Super! That sounds tasty. Or maybe, um… Molson Smooth Times Ultra! Mmm, bet it makes those times ultra, uh… hey, HEY don’t look at that McAuslan’s sign. 

I SAID DON’T LOOK AT IT.

Folks, the beer store is the ice cold face of an oligopoly. And it wants to stay that way. 

I could go on, but I’m just too upset. I can’t even put in a funny Norm Peterson quote.

Here’s the show. I guarantee, the only thing you will be bringing back empty from now on… is your heart.

*Merriness not guaranteed

Santa Baby, if you slip and fall on my roof, the truth 

 is I’ll refuse liability, Santa Baby

Don’t trespass on my chimney tonight.

Santa Baby, even if you’re in traction, I’ll say

No Cause of Action! 

I’ll move to strike it my dear

Don’t trespass on my chimney tonight.

There’s the limitation period you missed

And even if your back pain meets a causation test

Discovery will be oh so very long

I’ll see your Piller Injuction dismissed

Boo Boo Dee Boo

Santa honey, I’ll want substantial costs and really that’s

an awful lot

Your accounts will be in arrears

So don’t trespass on my chimney tonight.

I’ll be trimming my Christmas tree

With the dough from my crossclaim, you see

I don’t believe your expert testimony

And 30 grand says the judge will agree, too

Boo Boo Dee Boo

Santa Baby, one more thing if I might

I intend on a jurisdiction fight, Santa Baby

Do what’s right

And stay off my effing chimney tonight!

Lyrics: Irving Berlin

Performed by: Pro Bono Radio

(C) 1954 Mareva Records

Listen here!

Pictured: The Defence Forces Santa to produce his ‘naughty list’ as evidence

Well, they haven’t started playing “Run, Run, Rudolph” in Starbucks yet, which means there is still time for a fabulous Halloween episode of Pro Bono Radio!, sponsored by Hannibal Lecter! On today’s menu - You! Your delicious-looking friends! AND your hosts Brianna, Connor and Austin. If you’ve got a hankering for the classmate beside you, how can you feasibly go about trying to eat them without attracting reprimands from LSUC? What if your glistening, crispy friend actually wants you to eat them? Pro Bono Radio will walk you through all the necessary steps: the courting, the wooing, the killing, and the feasting.

You get the fava beans, we’ll bring the Chianti. 

We take you on a journey with us beyond the year 2000 AD!

(ed: Already there)

To a place where the politicians are bought and sold to the highest bidder, and citizenry live in either apathy or abject fear!

(ed: Been in the US much, lately?)

Where the judges rule with an iron fist, second to none. They don’t just interpret the law, they ARE the law and they’ve got the muscle to smash anyone who gets in their way?

(ed: Oh, right. Like Judge Scalia)

Step through the looking glass, and into the dark streets of JUDGE DREDD! Imagine if this nightmarish world came true! Why, even a film treatment would be too shocking for the public to bear.

(ed: Or, as the case may be, to crappy for the public to bear.)

Pro Bono Radio envisions a scenario far to fantastical to ever come true, but one that is no less entertaining for it!

(ed: let’s just agree on “entertaining” and call it a day, people.)

Judge Dredd: off the big screen and onto the Queen’s Bench!?